Getting along with others
is certainly an important and critical factor for your
personal and professional success. Sometimes,
however stress can kick in and you can instantly
lose some or all of your social graces.
When I address groups,
particularly corporate audiences, I frequently
get comments like "my boss is such a jerk, he/she needs
to hear you speak." The truth is
we all have to be reminded of the basic human
relating skills that are needed to "play nicely in the
sandbox" with each other. When you are in
a work group, like in your family, you can take
people for granted or start to focus solely on the
negatives which can cause you to lose your
kindness, especially when faced with
stress.
Life balance expert and
fellow author and speaker Mary LoVerde says
"connection is the best reliever of
stress". In my book, "The Connected
and Committed Leader", I also highlight the
importance of connection as a way to lead people and
your life more effectively.
Connection helps
us to not be jerks. Real leaders are not
jerks.
Think about the
last time you may have cursed someone out on the road as
you pulled into the grocery store only to find
that they were parking next to you...it is a
bit more difficult and awkward to continue your
jerkiness face-to-face. If you are like
most people, you run off like some coward, not wanting
to make eye-contact with the person you just flipped off
in your car.
When you are
too overly removed and have your armor on separating you
from your co-workers and people in your life,
you can be a jerk. Trust me, it
takes one to know one!
Connection to
ourselves and to others is a great remedy to relieve
stress, minimize our own ability to be a jerk and to
deal with jerks that may come our
way.
Stanford Professor
and author, Robert Sutton states in his new book, "The
No Asshole Rule" that over 90% of people
are subjected to abusive behaviors at
work. He doesn't soft pedal at
all. I prefer to use the term jerk, he's more
blunt about calling them assholes. However,
whether you use the term jerk or asshole, it really
doesn't matter because when you encounter them you
know it. And when you are being one, you better
know it. After all, if 90% of people
have been subjected to jerk behavior, we all
must have contributed to it. We can
easily slip to the other side and become a jerk
too!
Since you can only impact
your behavior and your reactions to the behaviors of
others...calling everyone else a jerk and not
claiming the potential or realized jerk inside of
you is not a solution.
So as you
enter into one of the more stressful times of
the year, and you encounter jerks or somehow manage
to cross the line yourself, these tips should help you
do your part this holiday season.
1. Slow Down. Remember
to put it all into perspective. If you were to get
into a car accident, the to-do list certainly wouldn't
get done. Gain clarity on what can wait till
another time. Get connected to understand
the critical things to do for you, your boss and your
family. Everything can't be #1
priority.
2. Say No. Don't get
swept up in all the things you think you should
do or should go to. Liberate
yourself from the list of shoulds to focus on
what is most important. Get connected to
yourself to understand what is most
important. The holiday season is loaded
with shoulds, try to sort through them.
3. Be Empathetic. When
you encounter a jerk, step away without reacting and
quietly say to yourself "Poor guy/gal, they seem so
unhappy. I understand, I have been there
myself." Don't let others spoil your
happiness. Get connected to others by
relating to their commonalities. We
all see the differences of others more rapidly (in
a negative light) rather than seeing the
commonalities we all share. When you see that
others are more like you, it is easy to find empathy for
their mess-ups. For persistent jerks,
limit your exposure as much as is possible and try not
to take it personally.
4. Say You're Sorry.
When and if you cross the line and engage in
some jerk-like behavior. Stop, recognize it and
apologize. Say something like "I am sorry. I have
lots going on and am stressed. However, that is no
excuse for my behavior." Most people will react
with empathy to a sincere apology. Get connected
to yourself and know that you are fallible.
When you understand that you are not perfect,
you are more apt to accept the missteps and slip ups of
others.
5.
Don't be a jerk.
Our mothers always taught us that "two wrongs don't make
a right." Sometimes we want to be a jerk right
back to the jerk we encounter. Don't be tempted to
contribute to the mess. Stop, breathe and think of
something better to do with your energy!
Get connected to the things that matter.
Join Laura
Lopez for a Leadership workshop January 19,
2007. Click below for more details and to
register:
Laura's book "The
Connected and Committed Leader" is now
available!
Click here to order your copy:
Laura Lopez speaks to
companies and business associations about Change,
Leadership and Branding. Go to http://www.Laura-Lopez.com for more information on
how to bring Laura in to speak at your next meeting or
conference.