No matter
what kind of work you do, you need to rely on other
people.
In fact, even if
you don't work, you need to rely on others.
This became very
clear to me just the other day as I was visiting with a
new mother and her baby.
During our visit,
she complained incessantly about how tired she was
because she couldn't get her husband to help as much as
she would like. Shortly after hearing all of her
woes, I experienced first-hand the root of her
problem.
She was criticizing her husband too
harshly and as a result, he was demoralized and didn't
engage very much with their child. My
guess is that after hearing all of her criticisms,
he wasn't feeling
very competent.
To my ears, her
criticism sounded something like this:
- "Don't pick her
up that way; you are going to hurt her."
- "Please don't
feed her that way, she needs to be more upright."
- "Keep your voice
lower, you are going to over-stimulate
her."
Poor guy, it seems
that whatever he did, it wasn't right or good enough for
his wife.
I
know this mother loves her husband and wants him to be
involved with their child and she also is doing her best
at being the best mother she can be. She is
well-intentioned in every possible way.
I tell this story not because I want to
fault this woman, but rather to highlight that
even when you have the best intentions to do the right
thing you can often unintentionally demoralize and cause
others to disengage when you are looking for the exact
opposite behavior.
Work situations are
no exception.
Leaders who successfully get others to
deliver results for them know how to manage
criticism. Criticism is important for
course correction, but understanding how to manage it
for optimal impact is essential, especially during these
difficult times.
At the foundation
of behavior modification is ensuring the person has a
positive belief in their abilities.
This mother will
have the greatest ability to impact her husband's
behavior if she is able to validate and reinforce his
ability to parent his child as opposed to crushing it;
which is what her harsh criticism is
doing.
Too often, we focus
on what isn't right and we want to fix it, as opposed to
focusing on what's right and how to build on
it.
When your kids come
home with a report card with all A's and one C, the
first question most parents will ask is "Why did you get
the C?" The better question is "How can you become
the best in the class where you achieved an
A?"
Leaders always focus on what has been
done well.
Focusing on
strengths is one of the best ways to manage
criticism.
In all of the
interactions this father has with his child, there must
be several things he does exceedingly well. His
wife needs to focus first on these
areas.
From that foundation, behavior in the
"weaker" areas may improve. The best way
to influence behavior is through positive affirmations,
not negative
ones.
